Epiphany

People come.

People go.

No one really disappears from your life.

People never really leave.

Its just that their roles change.

Life changes.

Things changes.

I don’t like changes.

But indeed change is inevitable.

Be thankful that somehow your paths crossed.

And that they somehow made you happy.

The smiles.

The laughs.

The memories.

Even if it was only for a short while.

It’ll take a bit of time.

But you’ll get through this.

You’ve been through far much worse.

Because in the end, its only the memories that remain.

Sometimes kan, it amazes me that when epiphany strikes, suddenly you can see clearly as bright as day. 

All these while your judgement was clouded by thick fog.

Sayang.

Baru sekarang nak celik. Huhu.

Oh well, as they say better late than never.

1st of August today.

August please be kind.

What you think, you become

I cannot sleep yet again. Have been tossing and turning for a while. Finally I give up.

Sometimes, when all is dark quiet, your mind will have this clarity. Macam-macam benda nak fikir. But dah malam ni lah otak dah penat nak fikir.

Sometimes, you can't help but wonder that do other people feel the same way as you do. Going through what you're going through. I bet ada kan. Out of Earth's many population there is bound yang have the same thoughts/feelings as you. Emptiness. The feeling comes and goes. Some days can go by without you having the slightest thought of it. Other days, the thought creeps up like its your forever best friend.

A friend told me to write when I feel down. It'll help me to refocus on myself katanya. Ok..I will cuba and see how that theory goes. Dia juga suruh I make a list of all the things that I'm grateful for. I know you mean well. But everytime when I fikir of all that I am blessed with lagi I rasa depressed with myself. Like you have all those things to be thankful for yet you still feel empty inside. How can that be. Ramai lagi yang underprivileged and have harder times if compared to you. Rasa macam ungratefulnya diri ini. Huhuhu.

I don't like when this feeling datang menyinggah. Feels icky. Yucks! The first step to self healing is acknowledging that you have a problem. Ok. My friend says its signs of depression. Hurm. Ye ke? I don't think so. Second step. Denial. Lol.

Lately I don't feel like myself. Outside you portray lain but deep inside you rasa lain. I miss my old self. The one where she is focused and knows what she wants in life. Full of zest. Entah mana dia pergi. Along the way she got lost. And never managed to find her way back home. Am I having an early mid life crisis?

Life is indeed short. Rasanya ada masa ke nak melayan perasaan macam ni. Huhu. There are so many other things to do yet why do you need to focus on things so trivial. I wish it could go away. Sometimes I feel so penat. But who am I kidding, you can't just ignore it and lie to yourself. But I shall try. Oklah, enough rambling already. This post takde arah tujuan. Hope this feeling shall pass sooon~

Will try doing that grateful list juga. Mana tau it'll work wonders on my mind. The mind is indeed a wonderful thing kan, a powerful force. It can enslave you, or it can empower you. It can bring you to the depths of misery or it can take you to the height of ecstasy. Kena use the power wisely. As they say, what you think, you become. Oleh itu, marilah kita cuba fikir yang positive and baik-baik sahaja. Yeay, rasa macam dah ngantuk a bit. Till later. Toodles~

Happy brain.

Hello 2020

It has been a while.

4 years since I last wrote.

Bersawang dah blog ni. Huhu.

Well a lot has been going on since.

It's the year 2020 now people. Wawasan 2020. No flying cars yet.

We're in the month of April now.

4 years into the year and the world is in mayhem.

All because of the corona virus. Covid-19 has taken the world by storm.

A global pandemic. Will definitely change history and the new normal will take place.

Currently Malaysia and most of the world is in lockdown/quarantined/restricted movement.

Everyone is confined and is staying at home. Today is Day 37 of the movement control order (MCO) for Malaysia.

I've been working from home ever since. Things are quite good I must say, I enjoy working from home, well for now.

An update for myself and putting it in writing for me to read back 30 years down the line when I'm old and cripply. Lol.

Today is the 1st day of Ramadhan too. We are all welcoming Ramadhan in a different way this year.

By all staying at home. No taraweehs at the masjid. No going out for iftars. I'll definitely miss the night visits to the mosque. Rasa tenang je. Hopefully can still rasa tenang when at home. May we make the most out of this Ramadhan at home.

Tonight rasa sayu a bit. I don't know why. I've been feeling a bit off for the last couple of days. I find it hard to sleep for a while now. Hence I am blogging in the wee hours of the morning. Hopefully this funky feeling will leave soon.

I don't know why but when I'm feeling down I tend to write. My coping mechanism perhaps. Tu nampak my blog ni kinda depressing je. Hahaha. When I'm happy takde rasa pulak nak menulis. Anyways, its been good to get to blab for a little bit.

Hope the world recovers soon from Covid-19. May we all be protected. Ameen.

Till then, maybe I'll see you in another 4 years time dear blog of mine. Ahaks.

Much love,

-unaberry-

It's been a while since tak dapat nak tengok moon :(

Of a New Year - 2016

We're in the first month of 2016 now.

2015 has been a testing year.

An eventful year.

A year of heartache...of loss...and of healing.

A year I lost my dear husband.

A year that I will never forget.

I never in my wildest mind imagined that 2015 was going to be that 'eventful'. 

How would I have ever known...

Early 2015, I thought that 2015 would have been just like any other year.

A year for us to progress...to grow...to advance...in our careers...financially..spiritually and strengthening the bond that we have of our little family...it will be just like any other year..

A year to add a little one perhaps...(that was Hilmi's idea but I didn't think that we were ready yet).

But now, how I wished I had another mini Hilmi to remind him by. The more the merrier.

But indeed Allah knows best.

Earlier in 2015...as the days were rolling by...weeks passed by...month after month passed by and lo and behold we were already in the fourth month of 2015. How time quickly flies.

I can still remember that day fresh in my mind.

I try to recall that week before the accident.

It was just a normal week.

Nothing fascinating much.
The week passed by as normal and then it was Friday.

'The' day.

On that fateful day...my life turned 360 degrees around.

All those close to me...our lives turned upside down.

Never would I have imagined that things could have changed soo much soo soon.

With Allah's will...my love...my rock...my pillar of strength left me forever from this dunya.

My sayang left us all forever to go on to the next phase of life...the after-life.

The following days really was a blur.
I was busy in the hospital as Aqil was still injured and warded.

I didn't how I managed to get through it all and the days after that.

As so was the following weeks...following months.
Alhamdulillah, with Allah's mercy..the support from my family and friends I managed to pull through.

I had 4 months and 10 days to observe the iddah, a period to reflect and mourn for my husband while at the same time try to carry on with life.

After about nearly 2 months on leave since the accident, I had to go back to work. Going back to work in a way helped me to focus on other things and not dwell on what happened.
However, it was bittersweet coming back to the office..the parking lot...our lunch spot...seeing the places that we always went together...once together now alone.

But during that time...despite what happened..I still had a lot to be grateful for.  

Alhamdulillah the kids recovered fast and even now they are still recovering.

Alhamdulillah I have them to look forward to everytime I come back from a long and tiring day at work.

Alhamdulillah I have my family and the support that I needed to get through the difficult times.

Alhamdulillah that the kids have all the love that they can get from family and friends.

Hopefully they will still grow up with lots of love surrounding them..in shaa Allah.

I guess I will never know why Allah took Hilmi away from me at that particular time in my life.
But I guess he was never mine's in the first place. He was just borrowed to me by The Most Merciful.
We are all created by Allah and to Him we shall return.
My husband is now where he truly belonged - by his Creator.

I guess all this happened for a reason.
It is Allah's will and indeed He is the best of planners.
It maybe a blessing in disguise. I believe it was..well in a way.

Reflecting back how I was back then, maybe it was a way to help me wake up, open my eyes and also my heart.
To wake up and see what is most important in life.
To realize why we are here.
To realize why we are created.
To ask ourselves our real goal in life and of our final destination.

It maybe something that I've been missing or neglecting all this while.
I know all this..I guess we all know all this but to have something like this happen to you it really left a big impact on me.
It surely is a big reminder. A  HUGE reminder. A BIG-FAT-in-your-face reminder.
A reminder to question myself...to set and align back my priorities that may have been deviated from the ultimate path due to other things in this dunya.
Thank you Allah.
Thank you Allah for choosing me.
Thank you Allah for loving me.
Thank you Allah for blessing me with this reminder.
To set me back on the right track.
To really realize that this dunya is only temporary.
To realize that Death knows no age or time..and that it can come to anyone at any time when Allah wills it.

People say that I'm strong to go through all this at a young age.
I don't think I'm strong. I'm still me. Imperfect me...full of flaws..full of insecurities.
I don't know how I should react in this kind of situation.
So I just go by the flow. One step at a time.
Alhamdulillah with Allah's mercy I accept what happened with an open heart.
I am redha with His plans.
I am not totally okay though.
I still have the bad days.
The days when I wished for Hilmi to be beside me.
To see his smile, to hear his comforting words...to have one of his warm hugs.
To just have someone to talk to..to share something with..to share one of our inside jokes.
I miss his company. His warmth. His love.
Of course I miss my dear Hilmi :(

I have faith in Allah that His plans are for the best.

He has His reason's for planning this, the way He intended it to be.

I do not know why and I will never understand why but I shall always have trust in Him.
"...Allah knows, while you know not" {Al-Baqarah 2:216}

2015 has already left us.

That year has left...but the memories from that year will forever remain.

The good ones and also the bad ones.

I believe this test will help me be a better person than I once was (hopefully..in sha aAllah) and help mold me for the better.
2016 for me..hopefully will be a year for me to heal...to find peace...to find solace..to be grateful...to surround myself with loved ones...to appreciate my parents more...to give back and to strive so that I could be reunited with my dearest Hilmi in jannah..in shaa Allah.

Happy New Year people.

Love,
Nurulhusna Md Jan

Of moments~

I'm feeling 'nostalgic' today. 2 more days until we reach the 6 month mark. Time flies ever so fast. Yesterday also marked the new Hijri year..1437H. You went away in 1436H.

Had my first teppanyaki today..without you. It used to be our thing. I've never ate teppanyakki without you. Something so trivial but such a big meaning behind it.

Passed a store and glanced at the mannequin in front with the nice shirt. I thought of you and how you would look smart with that shirt. I miss shopping for you. Buying you clothes...buying you things and get to see you wear them. I miss those moments. My heart is aching badly missing you.

Father & son moment. March 2014 - MFM Sunway Pyramid. Loved the way how Aqil's arm is touching his dad's.

I know that there is nothing that I can do. It is all Allah's will. I accept that. Redha. I accept that you are no longer here with us. But at the same time...the heart just misses..badly. The pain of missing someone dearly..someone close to you..living with them for every single day. You were my rock. I miss you. I love you.

It's hard not to think of you when you have been such a big part of my life. I still feel your 'presence' everywhere even though you are still not here.

I do hope that you are doing well over there. My mind can't comprehend how it is in the other world. I guess my time will eventually come for me to know. But in the mean time. my prayers are with you. I hope it goes through. I hope it carries enough weight.

I'm also struggling to work on my relationship with al-Khaliq. Sometimes I too slip away. It used to be much easier in the earlier months. Now..I feel that I have to really battle out the feeling you know. Struggling to keep awake and finding the time to read the Quran, waking up early for solahs...even going for Class Agama dah rasa macam malas-malas. I hope I can strive through. For me, for you, for the kids, for my family...for the sake of Allah. Ya Allah...please help me in my affairs in the dunya..to be closer to You and to please You.

I am still hurting inside. Kerinduan itu yang hurts the most. You were so good to me and I took all of it for granted. "Which then of the bounties of your lord will you deny? (Ar-Rahman 55:13)" Ya Allah..please forgive me...please forgive us..please have Mercy on us. Please help me through this.